Narratio fidei of Fr. Gaspar Fernandez Perez scj

It is on the theme of vocation and with the narratio of Fr. Gaspar that we conclude this series that began exactly one year ago. We wanted throughout the jubilee year, to hear the journey and the faith story of some Betharramite religious selected from different generations, cultures and nationalities... and we wanted to give weight to the narratio fidei method, which as we have seen, is simply to let the heart tell the story of our life and journey of faith.

With a little boldness, we wanted to let St. Michael speak too. We did it with respect and love drawing on his correspondence, and with the conviction that if the Lord fills our lives, we also like St. Michel we can be the seeds of renewal in the world...

You have seduced me and I let myself be seduced (Jer. 20, 7-9)

The Spiritual exercises I experienced in 1987 constituted a fundamental moment of my experience of faith and the path of my vocation. Along with Paco and Martin1, we even decided to integrate them with the formation project. It was therefore important that we ask of young what people we have experienced for ourselves and that we are able to be more self-aware in the dialogue of formation2. The month living with the exercises helped me to enjoy the experience of a loving God. I came to realize how certain ideas, attitudes, actions or certain criteria of this world had captured my heart without my realizing it ; seemingly, everything was fine for me externally, on both liturgical pastoral levels , in prayer and in community life. What an illusion! And I saw myself unable to exit this situation, until facing the question: «Lord, I will go back to the beginning. What must I do?» That is when the consoling response came: «Repent! Do not put your trust in yourself but me; because nothing is impossible for me, then come, follow me! « From consolation came the strength to continue to pursue my way with Jesus, passionate about him and participating in his mission to please his Father in the service of men. This experience has also made me rediscover and better appreciate all previous experiences through which God was present in my life. Sometimes I had come to doubt the goodness of such “normality”; it seemed so much more spectacular to convert after difficult experiences. So my life has been illuminated as a history of salvation.
I deeply identify with these words of Jeremiah: «Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; since before you were born I consecrated you” (Jer 1. 4-8). Even before the age of reason, I felt attracted by the signs of the Mystery: the Cross, a procession, a celebration, a bell , a priest, a charitable work ... The collective memory of my family (different people have also told me) tell this story of when I was two years old: there has been a popular mission in the village. It was time to pray the rosary at dawn. Occupied with the affairs of the house, my mother could not attend. Hearing the songs, I went to the door, not so much from curiosity as to join in the procession by kneeling down, hands clasped. And the desire grew, as a choirboy, as a volunteer available for all church related business. I loved being in the church, to the point that I forgot to go home. Manifesting such dispositions, when I reached the age of 11, I was the obvious candidate for the parish priest to present to a father of Bétharram so this brought me to the apostolicate of Mendelu . The priest, knowing the poverty of my family knew that I could not go to secondary school without the aid of such religious. How grateful I am to my parents who made such sacrifices for me to go far away from home, as they said; what gratitude also to the congregation! This echoes a feature of Abraham’s calling: «The Lord said, Go ! Leave your country and your father’s house and go to the land I will show you ‘» (Gen. 12: 1) . So I left my family at the age of 11 to go to Mendelu where I spent six beautiful years. Then I left my country to join the novitiate in Bel Sito, France, where I lived during the famous period of May 1968.

Leaving the novitiate, I returned to Zaragoza for two years of philosophy. From that period, the request to leave my land was marked by a journey punctuated by post-conciliar crises: Mendelu, Zaragoza ... still in Betharramite community, but without having made vows, a student of Philosophy then of literature. Amidst all this, the attraction for the Lord never diminished; the time came to act on it. I carried it deep within me, and could not resist it. I remember talking during this last night with a fellow student who had asked to return to the lay state even though I myself had decided to continue my vocational journey . It was an experience of great awe along with freedom, of trust also in Him who called me, not knowing quite where it would take me. The pilgrimage was not interrupted: Toulouse, Zaragoza and Buenos Aires where, finally, in 1980, I made perpetual vows and was ordained deacon and then priest. I felt great joy in making that final decision. «for I know in whom I have believed and I am convinced that he is capable of taking care of all I have entrusted to him until that day.» (2 Tim. 1:12) These are the words that I placed on the ordination card and that reflected what I lived then . The early years of my ministry were devoted to catechesis and pastoral care at St. Joseph’s College during the week. Sunday afternoon I went to the parish of Barracas for confessions, to celebrate the Eucharist and accompany a group of young people. I never imagined myself as a pastor for youth. And it opened me undeniably a huge pastoral field. The young questioned us about our originality because they saw many other young people involved in the spirituality of other congregations. From this was born «Betharramite Youth « which led us more deeply into the writings of St. Michael Garicoïts to discover our uniqueness . And the Lord gave me the grace to experience the spirituality and mission of Betharram , the charism of the congregation. How many activities! How many night vigils to prepare things! How many meetings and friendships! How much dedication! Which path of growth! In addition, I discovered how St. Michael Garicoïts with his way of living the Gospel , made clear what I wanted to be and what I was. «How can I repay the Lord for all he has done to me? I will take the cup of salvation and call upon the name of the Lord!» (Ps. 114-115 , 12-13). With boldness under obedience I took charge of formation, which both attracted and unnerved me. But every time I obeyed, I was enriched by the opening up of new possibilities, commitment, new growth requirements . I never considered myself suited for such a task for which I had no preparation. I had to start by reading around and seeking advice.

Thus, with Paco, we went to meet Father Bergoglio, SJ . I remember the month of February 1986, when we worked with Martin on the formation project of the Province, under the linden tree of the Adrogué residence. Then putting it into practice, we devised benchmarks such as «1001 questions « to quote one of my postulants. In this adventure, I remember moments of disappointment, upset stomach that had me face the attitudes of adolescent rebellion , and the Provincial Retreat of 1996. During this retreat , the consoling spiritual light illuminated me and made me understand, accept the sense of failure and shame I felt because of the two novices who had left after the month of Spiritual Exercises . I remember ... It was in the chapel of Villa Betharram on the last bench on the left, I was sitting by the aisle, gazing at the window of the altar. I meditated on the words of the Manifesto: ‘Jesus remained in the state of victim, without ever doing anything himself, always animated by the spirit of God.’ This consolation made me understand that this failure didn’t define my life, that I was not responsible for their departure, these young people were free and I could not stay ‘frozen’ either . Always forward! And Jesus continued to keep me going this way. Again in obedience, I became Provincial. I lived through the corralito of 2001 and the problems of St. Joseph’s College. I then survived a deep nervous depression when my only prayer was: « For the honour of thy name , O Lord, heal me ; In your mercy , deliver me from distress «(Ps. 143 , 11) , together with these words: Mary, comforter of the afflicted , pray for us. From this also the Lord has freed me, putting me in the hands of a wise psychiatrist. Beautiful are thy works, Lord, how deep are your thoughts! With all that I went through, like a game of chess, I never imagined that my brothers would have the courage to elect me as Superior General at the Chapter of 2005. I trembled at the prospect, because of everything that had happened, but I could not refuse because of Him who has given me so much, showing me so much love. So I said «yes» praying with the words of St. Michael: «Who am I? (Ex 3.11). I acknowledge and confess my nothingness, my disability and my sinfulness. Yet here I am, without delay, without reserve and without return! Forward! I know your heart and you know mine, Lord. You know I love you and that’s enough! Here I am! I can do anything because I am nothing. I’m just a feeble man in everything. Not to us, O Lord, not to us but to your name give glory. «( DS 44-45)
And the Lord gave me the wild ox’s strength, he anointed me with fresh oil, and consoled me with the wine of joy in the midst of all that he required of me. The humiliations, through which I had to pass, configured me to Him. «You put in my heart more joy than all their harvests» ( Ps 4, 8) . And he sent me to be the direct witness of its action in the lives of my brothers in the heart which he shows his love and his face like a ceaseless fermentation.
That is why I am happy and live my vocation without standing still, but always going before my brothers. I’m an elected official, a privileged child that the Lord spoils. I never thought of being anything other than who I am and that makes me happy in my vocation as a religious priest. That is why I can only bless the Lord for the good he has done and I am happy in the midst of all the difficulties which sometimes life is.
«O Lord, it is you who are my portion and cup; it is you yourself who are my prize. The lot marked out for me my delight! Welcome indeed the heritage that falls to me! «(Ps 16. 5-6).

Footnotes:
1. Father Francisco Daleoso, nicknamed Paco, and the late Daniel P. Martin, who died last year.
2. Fr Gaspar was a member at the time of the Province of Rio de la Plata.
3. Corralito is the term used to refer to the Argentine economic crisis, the restrictions imposed by the government in December 2001 on cash withdrawals in cash in bank accounts and savings banks.